Hello everyone out there in the blogging world. It has been... well more than a little while since I graced you with my presence and I can honestly say that it was a pretty terrible hiatus that I was on. Over the last semester of school (or since the last time you heard from me) I somehow managed to turn my relatively stable life right around and instead of going up, I slammed it right back into the ground. To put it bluntly, I've not been having a very good time.
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During the summer, I had to have a root canal. There was an infection in my tooth and unfortunately the only course of action was a root canal. Whatever. It had to be done, and it was. Honestly, it wasn't even that big of a deal. The real pain came before the surgery even took place, when the infection was just lingering around up in my tooth. So, in mid-October, I started to feel something up in my tooth again. The pain had returned. As bad as before. It was so bad that I had to pop a number of T3's that I had been given from the original incident just to be able to sleep. Eventually, I made it back home to get it looked at and sure enough, the root canal had done nothing. Instead of getting rid of the infection, it had just prolonged it for a short time.
I was sent to a specialist, and I found out I needed further work done. This time through the gum, and not the tooth. Fantastic. Oh well though. It had to be done. The problem was, I was getting right into mid-term season, and couldn't really afford to take off school to get the procedure and then recover a couple of days. No worries. I decided to wait. He gave me a new set of T3's and some more anti-biotics. That should tide me over until my mid-terms subside. Key words: "should have".
About, two weeks after this diagnosis, I wasn't feeling any better. The pain was no longer there, but mentally, I just wasn't back. I simply could not manifest the drive to complete anything I had to complete. I would sit at the computer for hours at a time, attempting to finish papers, and nothing came out. I was click away. I would type and delete. I. Could. Not. Write. It just wasn't happening. And I have no idea why.
It might have been due to my living by myself. Some of it might have been some sort of chemical reaction from my whole tooth incident. I don't know. All I am aware of is that I did not feel good for a long time. I've started to recover, but since the middle of October, its been tough. Its the feeling of not caring. The sense that no matter what I do, it won't matter. I actually believe that a conversation I had with one of my professors was the instigator of the worst of it. I walked away from the meeting with no other thought than "I don't want to be like her." And I don't. I don't want to write articles on movies that any schmuck on the street who can afford a movie rental and has a library card can do. And yes, believe me when I tell you, anyone can do what these professors do. Well, what most of these professors can do. All it takes is time, and the ability to form a thought. Not even an original thought. Just, a thought.
So, it was this meeting that kind of pushed me over the edge. I became unapproachable. I didn't feel like talking to people really. I didn't feel like responding to any of my friends who had tried to email me and ask what was new. I didn't care to talk with the people that I work with at the paper even, a task that is kind of hard to avoid considering I need to associate with them on creating my graphics. All in all, I just didn't feel like me.
About three weeks after my initial meeting with the specialist, the infection, although not hurting, started to inflame. An abscess started to grow above my tooth. It was disgusting. I felt disgusting. I was woozy. I was feeling sick. And the worst part of it all, it was during a production night, a night I had to work. Eventually, after running back and forth to and from the bathroom, the giant tumour of infection on my tooth punctured, and I spent half an hour rinsing my mouth, trying not to swallow the run out. Again, that did not feel good. But it was the peak of my not feeling well, and I had pretty much had enough. Both physically and mentally.
Do I still feel that way?? Like I said, not fully. I sort of have moments where I don't want to do something, but I believe I've pulled myself out of that dark place. I can't tell for sure if it was depression or not. Of course I realize that that's how it starts, and I don't really have any control over it, but I don't know if I want to believe I was depressed. The signs seem to point that way, but I don't necessarily want to admit anything. For right now, I just like to say that I wasn't well.
Since this whole ordeal, I've found ways to better myself and attempt to become the same as before. The day that I finished writing my play for this years Fr!nge Festival was a pretty huge boost. I sort of sat down, at 7am, after a totally accidental all-nighter (I had a few of those actually... I was either tired all the time, or not able to sleep at all) and just pumped it out. And it was good. I was happy with it. It felt good. It was the first positive thing I had done in about a month.
Of course, by that time, the semester was pretty much lost. I had fallen behind on one too many things and I am fairly confident my marks are going to reflect those bad weeks. No matter though. My way of thinking now is that this semester has been over for a while. I need to start fresh in the New Year is all. I've also been attempting to surround myself with more positive people. I've got the social influence back again and have started to hang out with people again. Some who I haven't really hung out with all that much before. And I think it has been taking an effect. A positive note amongst a scale of bad ones.
Anyway, that's pretty much my explanation for being M.I.A. (the singer, of course). I've been... well I haven't been me for the last little bit. But I've been getting there. And I'm hoping to be back soon. Love.
