"And I don't even have Hockey Skates"

There is really zero direction that this post will go in. I mean, I don't have any clear thought of what you should take from this particular post because I know right now it will probably be a vast array of different thoughts, unspecific to one another, and therefore I warn you that it might be a little convoluted as opposed to anything else. So that's the disclaimer and you have been warned.

I have told myself numerous times over and over again that I need to do more with my time. I have been sitting at this computer for a couple hours straight now, having accomplished nothing but needless time on Facebook and re-checking websites that took me 5 minutes to glance through in the first place, just awaiting a new update somewhere on them. It sucks, I know. I'm hoping that by putting this out there for people to understand it might inspire some part of me to get up and do something about it. I hope that something deep down in me realizes that it's actually quite embarrassing to have people know how I spend my days doing nothing but watching movies, attending class and sitting in front of a computer. Its sad and pathetic. Maybe tomorrow I'll see this and do something about it. But instead of tomorrow meaning "January 14th", I know it will just mean "the next day" and will constantly apply to every day of my life. Fuck.

I just don't know why I find it so hard to get off my ass and accomplish something. ANYTHING! I tell myself that I need to do something creative, and even have ideas of what I want to do, but alas, zero production. I have some feeling that it has a lot to do with not being associated with anyone who will be impressed.

You ever feel that?? That you need to do something only for someone to be impressed?? I think I've experienced some lapse in self-confidence due to whom I have chosen to "impress". Has this happened to you?? Where you put your eggs in the wrong basket if you will?? I certainly feel that constantly now that I'm living on my own. I consistently realize that the friends I felt I was closest with leave me feeling worse than I did before I looked to them to cheer me up. Not because I miss them, but because they leave me feeling worse than I already did. Now don't get me wrong here, I have people who make me feel a lot better than others, it just so happens that those people are ones that I didn't expect to do so. In case you don't understand this, I'll spell it out: I expected "closer" friends to be "closer" than they have been whereas others I wouldn't have expected have taken their places. It was quite odd how that worked out, and I am grateful to those who stepped up, but it still leaves me with a very uneasy feeling inside. I'm left with a withering nagging in the back of my mind wishing the original ones would just step up and join the others on the front lines of my friendship. Unfortunately, it seems they are too wrapped up in their own beings to take crawl those inches for me. I have for them that's something I'm almost certain of, and that's why it indeed sucks. 

It also sucks that after any of those individuals who read this may be struck with the feeling that they have indeed not done their best to keep up the friendship, but will be inspired to do so from this post. Which is absolute bollocks because a friendship's guidelines shouldn't have to be written out by either party for the other to follow. It should just be common knowledge. 

Inspiration is a ridiculously fickle being no?? I am inspired by the oddest things and yet I can't seem to grasp any of it to allow anything to be done. I think that should be my goal. I want to aspire to use my inspiration. Yeah. That's what I want to do. 

The title of this post belongs to a Kathleen Edwards song called "Hockey Skates". The first lines are what made me title this post after it:

"Going down to the same old town,

Down the same street, to the same bar

The same old faces saying hi

And I don't care."

And then the chorus:

"I'm so sick of consequence 

And the look on your face,

I am tired of playing defence

And I don't even have hockey skates."

Take what you will from it but it's what I feel for now. 

I don't care...because they don't.