There, out on the water, are hundreds of other ships. And I'm not talking dinky sail boats either. I'm talking, massive, grey Navy built machines, carrying officers and planes and important cargo. They are all idly wafting across the waves right next to me, and it's in the very least a sight to behold. When these guys film a movie, they really go all out.
I turn around and head past the key grips pulling wires across the bow of the cargo ship that I've been situated on. I walk up the stairs to the next level, and get a better view of the absolutely massive "swim-up" movie screen they have displayed for all the patrons of the boats to sit and kill the down time while they set up the next scene. This screen is massive. Larger than most mega malls. I mean, this thing must be the size of 80 IMAX screen rolled into one. Outstanding. I cant tell what movie is playing though. Must be something not released yet. They like to do that for guys like this.
So, here I am. Standing on the deck of an 18 story cargo ship, looking out across acres of other vessels, sitting, wading in the open ocean, watching the massive movie screen, waiting for instructions.
I fear the longer I stand here, the more of the movie will be ruined for me, so I retreat to the corridors of the ship instead. As I do, I pass the film's director. He stops me, looking concerned. "Before you do those rewrites I asked for, I need you to take a test for me."
"Test??" What kind of test is he talking about?? And why me??
"Yeah, a test. We'll be docking shortly. Don't look so concerned. Everybody has to do it."
Oh. Alright. I shrug it off. If everybody has to do it, must be some insurance deal or something. Okay. So now I have to take a test. And now I have more time for those rewrites. Sounds like a fine tradeoff for me.
I walk back to my room to try and take a nap, catch up on some much needed sleep. Over the past few nights I can barely remember where all the time has gone. All I can recall is that I've been working and losing sleep. The specifics have been lost at sea.
As I make it to my room, I feel a shove behind me and I fall to the ground. I gather myself, and from the floor I look up to find Aaron Sorkin standing over me. Aaron Sorkin!? What is he doing here!? He's not involved on this film!? Or is he...
"Sorry about that" he mumbles, as he helps me to my feet. Look at this. Aaron Sorkin is apologizing to me. Damn this is a good day.
"Not a problem... You... you're Aaron Sorkin!?" I barely manage to make sense I'm so excited.
He laughs. "Yeah, I believe that I am."
"Wow, you are just the greatest."
Before anything at all can be replied, a voice interrupts our very thrilling encounter. "He's not that great. I mean, I've seen better."
From around the corner, Bradley Whitford enters. Danny Tripp. Josh Lyman himself has just entered the frame and I can barely stop the scream of joy from escaping my throat. Two of my favourites, one writer, one actor, are standing right out side my cabin on this ship set. Someone pinch me.
"Bradley Whitford!? I totally forgot you were doing some work on this movie!!"
"Yeah kid" replies Whitford. "I'm tearing it up with some supporting work."
"Excellent" is the only word that I can muster in reply. This is quite overwhelming.
The two men then sort of forget about me standing there, as they begin to walk away to discuss whatever two men of their stature would discuss. Obviously, he's the reason that Aaron is here, right??
Almost mechanically, I begin to follow them away. It's as though I'm being completely drawn into their presence. Which, of course, I'm absolutely fine with.
They make it to the lobby of the ship, and from there they turn to a conference room to the right. The doors are wide open, obviously no one is using it. Awesome, I think. I'm going into a meeting with Aaron Sorkin and Bradley Whitford. No, it doesn't cross my mind that I wasn't invited. Oh well. If they want me to leave, they can tell me to get lost. Until that happens though, it's meeting time!!
I walk into the room, and I must have turned my head for a split second, because it's only Brad in there right now. Aaron must have turned for the bathroom or something. I don't remember turning my head, but it easily could have happened. I mean, I realize how dumbstruck I'm being right now.
Stepping up to the rounded conference table, I look over at Brad and he's motioning for someone else to come in. From the back of the room, a door opens and in walks Richard Schiff, holding a pile of folders and a briefcase. No effing way. BOTH of these guys from "The West Wing" have roles in this movie!? Man, this is just beyond anything I have ever experienced. "Keep it together" I tell myself. "Stay calm and do not freak out."
Brad looks over at me and does the introductions with Richard. "Nice to meet you. I'm a huge fan" is what I manage. "Thanks." he says. "And what are you doing for the movie??"
"Well" I start, "I'm actually-"
From behind me, a production assistant knocks at the door. "Sorry" she says. "We need him on shore." She is pointing at me. Shore?? When did we hit land??
Damn. I don't wanna leave these guys. But, I also don't want to get fired. "I have to go. But I'll be back?? Sound good??" Both men nod in approval and I book it to the production assistant. I'm going to do what they need and come back for my meeting with Bradley Whitford and Richard Schiff. Hell yeah!!
The PA leads me down a series of hallways, and eventually on to a platform leading to solid ground. I honestly don't remember docking, but whatever. Must've been too caught up in what I was doing.
We get on land and wind up in a very modern looking building. I can't put my finger on it, but as soon as I step inside, I feel skeptical of what is going on. Still, I follow along. From here on in though, I maintain to be cautious about everything. That's just what this place incites in me.
After walking for what felt like quite a long time, we arrive in front of a very pristine looking desk, with a very cute blonde receptionist working behind the counter. She sees us walk in and acknowledges us right away. A very peppy "hi there!!" rolls out between her perfect teeth.
"Here's the last one" the assistant says as she basically hands me over to the blonde.
"Great!!" replies the blonde, completely accepting me like some sort of package.
The PA turns and exits through the massive wooden doors, and the blonde takes me by the arm and leads me down a corridor full of thin, steel doors.
"So, I'm going to put you in room four, okay?? Then the instructor will be with you in a moment."
I don't really understand what's happening, but I nod in approval anyway. There's something very real about this girl that makes me trust where she's taking me.
I figure I should inquire. "This is all a little odd, no??"
"What do you mean??" she retorts.
"Well, no one has told me anything that's going on yet. I have no idea where I am."
"Oh!! I'm sorry. This is the testing area. I'm sure someone told you about this??"
"Ah, THIS is the test. Okay. I gotcha now."
She laughs at my little faux pas. She's pretty cute when she laughs.
Once I clue in to where I am, it starts to make sense. I begin to see other people I recognize from the set in each of the little rooms. Key grips, sound designers. Some rooms have 10 people, some have just one. I still don't get what they are testing, but everyone's here. So, yeah. It must be insurance related.
As we reach a large steel door with "4" on the front, I see Russell Crowe come from the washroom and enter a door across the hall. Why am I not freaking out at the site of Russell Crowe you ask?? Because he's one of the stars of this movie, and we've met several times. It's still exciting to say that "I know Russell Crowe", but I don't have that same "first time encounter" feeling to deal with this time. He's a pretty cool guy.
I don't really understand what he's doing though. He's got a large grey wig on and matching beard. Is he still in make-up from shooting a scene?? Hmm. I would have thought he would have been wrapped for the day. Perhaps he's gone incognito for the "test"... that seems a little odd though. Something's up with that...
The receptionist opens door "4" and I walk inside to the likes of a lot of people I don't really recognize. There's a nerdy Indian guy and a pudgy little bald man sitting around a large block that's supposed to be a table I assume. There are a few other people, but no one worth remembering. Then from the corner of my eye, a salt and pepper haired man walks over and sits down at the block, as if to say that with my arrival we are ready to begin. It takes me a second to realize that this is George Clooney. Why haven't I freaked out at the site of Clooney though?? Same reason as Crowe. Been there. Met him already.
As soon as I make my way over and take a seat at the block, the "instructor" has come into the room. He's an odd looking guy, with thick framed glasses and a tan baseball cap with some logo I don't recognize. He's wearing a pair of khakis and a short sleeve collared shirt with a rather boring yellow pattern on it. Oh, and to top it all off, he's got a pair of sandals on. Sandals and long pants. This guy is a winner.
The instructor walks over to the big block where everyone else in the room has gathered. He starts to spew out instructions, while handing out an odd looking piece of paper.
"Begin when I hand you your paper. When you're finished just sit back and relax, and wait for the others. Then we'll move on to part two."
Part two?? How many parts does this thing have?? What the hell is this test for??
He puts a piece of weird paper in front of me, and I take my first look at what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't understand anything on it. There are questions, but nothing that requires an answer. They aren't organized either. In fact, they are situated on the page as if to make a picture of a beach with a palm tree. Very peculiar. Very peculiar indeed.
I take a glance around at the other people around me. They all seem to know what to do with the sheet in front of them. Or if they don't, they sure are bullshitting quite quickly. Even Clooney.
The instructor sits on the windowsill to my direct left. I try to look beyond him at the cityscape on the other side of the panel. That's not really happening. Okay, back to the paper. I stare at it, not really grasping what they want. I simply don't see any coherence in what I'm looking at. I turn to the instructor. "What is it we're supposed to be doing??"
"Oh I can't tell you that" is the response that I get. Thanks for the help asshole.
"Well, what if we don't do this 'part'?"
"That's your choice. It's up to you."
"What will happen if I don't finish."
"I can't really tell you that."
What a great help this guy is. For an instructor he sure as hell isn't very good at instructing. I feel like knocking that stupid hat off his head and walking right out of here. But, something tells me that that may result in my getting fired. Okay. Back to the test.
I stare at the piece of paper for a long time. Nothing is clicking. It just doesn't make any sense. I can't get past this image of a beach. I don't get how no one has made a comment about that yet. Some time in between my thinking about the beach, I reach the decision to just not finish this "test". Maybe that is the answer. Just to not do it. Alright. Done. A+. What's next??
I look up and wait for everyone else to finish their stuff. As I do though, everything around me is distorted. The room looks like it would had I just been staring at the sun for a really long time. Everything is bright, and not everything is clear. I don't know what the hell is going on, but I deduce that it must have something to do with staring at that funky "test" they put in front of me. I catch Clooney's eye and without words he gives me a look that says "I have no idea what the fuck is going on." I silently agree with him. This place is getting weirder by the second.
Once the small Indian guy has finished his test, the instructor goes over the door and locks it. Everyone starts to look around, not knowing what he is doing that for. Telling myself to be as cautious as I can, my eyes start to dart around the room, looking for what's coming next. I stare to the window, a million things could come in through there. In the corner there is a vent. Are they going to gas us?? What the hell is going on?? Why did he lock the door??
Just then, out of the corner of my eye, I see a red dot on the wall. Sniper. Fuck. I bolt to the floor, out of range from the window. Everyone just looks at me. I yell, "Get down!! There's a sniper's laser there!!" Everyone follows suit and goes flat on the ground. The instructor turns around and askes what we're all doing. The short balding man, rather sheepishly, tells him that "there's a sniper's target on the wall!!"
I look back up and the laser is gone. The instructor starts to laugh. He says "that's not a sniper's laser!! It's the one attached to my hat!!" He flips a little light on the side of his hate, and a tiny red dot appears on the bald man's head. Everyone looks at one another, confused as to what is going on, but the instructor is still laughing at this little miscommunication. "Haha!! Yeah, it's okay. There's no sniper...
"But I do have a gun!!" As he screams this, he flinches and the bald guy tries to melt himself into the floor. He's flattening himself as much as he can, as if that will save him from this maniac. Everyone in the room lets out various shrieks, but I can't take my eyes off the instructor who hasn't revealed any sort of weapon since making this outlandish claim. He starts laughing again, and chuckling to his crowd, he reveals "I'm just kidding. There's no gun."
Almost in unison, the rest of the room let's out a sigh of relief. The instructor, who finds his "joke" a little too funny, starts helping people to their feet. To my disbelief, some of the people are accepting his offer of courtesy and beginning to laugh along with him. I'm not buying it, and need to get the hell out of there.
"Washroom??" I ask without another word.
"If you must" he says. "Ask the receptionist where it is. She'll help. Hurry back though, or you'll miss part two."
Oh what a horrible thing that would be. Missing part two. I think I'd rather attend a funeral than go back for part two.
I unlock the giant steel door, and walk down to where I came in. As I pass door after door, I start to question why the hell I am here. Obviously, something is off here, but I still don't know what. Why would the studio send all of us here to take this "test"?? What the hell is it all for??
The cute blonde steps out in front of me just as I'm about to turn to corner to the reception.
"Hiya!!" she beams.
"Hi." I say back. "I was looking for the washroom...??"
"Right over here. Lemme show you."
Once again, she grabs me by the arm and leads me down a hall just past the one I came from. I look down at her, and realize that maybe I'll be able to get some answers from her. She doesn't seem to be "in" on it. I pull her close, and in a low enough voice for only her to hear, I inquire, "This place is a little weird, huh??"
She looks back up at me. I can feel the heat of her body on mine, that's how close we are. The look on her face goes from concerned puppy to genuine relief. "Honey, compared to the last place I worked?? It's not even close."
Somehow, from that answer, I'm convinced she doesn't know what happens behind those steel doors. Fair enough.
We arrive at a massive metallic door that she swings open and leads me inside. I assume there will be separate doors for washrooms on the inside, but not so much. She has taken my right into the washroom itself. It's a huge room. Everything around is made of steel. The sinks, the stalls, even the walls are coated with sheets of metal. It's very futuristic.
She takes my arm and leads me right over to the urinals. I look across the way, and see women entering at the other end. Oh. It is a unisex bathroom. Women's is on that side, and men's is on this one. I put my focus back on the cute blonde.
"Well, here we are."
"Thank you very much."
"And you shouldn't worry about them out there." She points to the door. I look back but as I return my focus, she pulls me close again. "It's all kosher."
"Okay..." I warily retort.
"Alright. Back to my desk." She pushes away from me. "But one before you head back" and she lifts up her dress to give a quick flash of her pink underwear. Whoa. Was not expecting that.
She smirks at my shock and brushes by me as she walks back out of the washroom. I'm left standing in front of the cold and hollow urinal, not really understanding what I just saw.
And then it hits me.
This is the test. Everything. They want to see if I understand my own common sense enough to leave the ridiculousness of this place. Yes, the blonde receptionist was cute and quite sexy, but how often does something like that happen. They are trying to see if I know enough to walk straight out the front door of this place. Yeah, that must be it!!
I turn to take a pee, planning my "escape" from this crazy building. The only thing I can't figure out though is who "they" are...
Oh well. Pee and leave. That's the plan. We'll deal with the consequences later.
END.
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