"Chubby Checker, Psycho, Belgians in the Congo."

Everyone is arrogant.

Everyone is pretentious. 

And all I wanna be, is funny.

Rant: Dude...

Last year I wrote about a guy that some of you may remember. Had just met him, couldn't decide whether or not I liked him, because he was very similar to me in more ways than a few. Anyway, now is now, and I can tell you my decision: he is not liked.

On the off chance that he actually makes it to this blog, I shant reveal any information about him, but my goodness, he irritates me. Little things he says or does and I simply cannot help but cringe. He is basically my nemesis now. 

He is Gerald the baby with the one-eyebrow to my Maggie Simpson. 

"I'm tasting colours and I'm seein' sounds."

Missed a couple days worth of blogging, but it doesn't seem like anyone missed me all that much, so s'all gooood.

I am officially caught up on "Glee" once again, and have to admit that it has hit its stride. I was skeptical after the first 2 episodes after the Pilot, and even the 3rd episode was lacking something, but then along came episode 4 (with Kristin Chenoweth in tow) and by God, it was fantastic. There were a number of flashes of brilliance that were first demonstrated in the Pilot, and the song choices all worked wonderfully. I mean, it still wasn't perfect, but it was as close as it had been to perfect so far. 

I love that moment when you know a show is actually going to be good. Rarely is it within the first episode, and, as "Glee" proved, it sometimes isn't within the first couple shows either. I don't know about anyone else, but for me, I get "giddy" when I know I'm in for something spectacular. Chills and goosebumps are sometimes the result, and I have to say, I had that for "Glee" about halfway through number 4. 

Don't get me wrong though, it still has a couple miles to go before it gets perfect. There are definitely still clunky bits that feel "after school specialish", but for the most part, the good outweighs the bad. They finally started writing how they should have been the whole time for Jane Lynch, who has easily become the funniest part of the show. A couple character still haven't been consistent enough to like, which is a tad irritating, but a couple of them have. I also thoroughly enjoy the "doe-eyed" joke being thrown in Jayma Mays' direction. Its definitely a nice "inside joke" to continue with, and they have been, through episodes 5 and 6. 

Wednesday will be interesting for sure though. I'm a tad reserved about how the whole "fake pregnancy" thing will play out because I fail to believe that the Mr. Shoe character is really that stupid, and his wife is really that smart. We'll see though...hopefully they pull it off and I don't roll my eyes. 

So I'm awaiting "Glee". Keep the greatness flowing. 

Things That I Love Today: "My Name is Potato"

I am so hypnotized by the weirdness of this video, that I cannot help but love it.

Glass Shards: Part 1

The glass shattered almost immediately. There was no time in between impact and the crashing of the giant panes of glass. It was almost as if the car was driving into a shower made of tiny, glistening shards. Mack stood across the street and saw the whole thing unfold, as if it had happened in slow motion. 

Acrosss the street from everything, Mack had decided to look out of his window just in time. He saw the crash take place. That little, tan Neon just flew over that curb from its rather convenient parking space and didn't stop until it was well inside the store, out of plain view. The massive entrance was now a giant hole in the front of the building, and it seemed as though the tiny little glass fractures were still raining down, minutes after the whole thing perspired. He was so entranced by what he just witnessed, that Mack barely noticed the tiny fragments of glass that must have seeped in through his window, and parleyed themselves across the houses' floor. Once he finally clued in that he was surrounded in a sea of little clear teeth, he noticed that the house in which he was situated, was only vaguely familiar to him. 

"No matter" he thought. It also felt like home.

Without even considering any other options, he put on his brave face and walked out into the hallway where his mom was entering with groceries. For the moment, the glass that had begun to cut his leg rather profusely was not as important as informing his mother that the house was now full of glass. He made his way out into the hall to greet her, barely flinching a muscle after every tiny prick that penetrated his skin.

When he reached the front door, his mother came in, holding the traditional brown paper grocery bag, with items overflowing from the top. Standing there alongside her was Mack's work friend, Dawn, whom he hadn't seen in person in quite some time. Nonetheless, her presence was not as vital at this instant, as the information Mack knew he had to relay. 

His mom and Dawn were deep in chit chat, leaving Mack standing there, bleeding and waiting patiently for them to finish. It seemed as though the crash that had taken place right across the street from their house was completely missed by the two ladies upon their way up the front walk. Mack tapped his foot, waiting, eventually giving way to a seated position against the wall. He was so keen on waiting at this point that he didn't even notice that once he sat down, the glass started to cut his legs all over again. His calves began to resemble a Pollock painting made entirely out of red paint. No matter for him though. He just wanted to tell someone that there was glass everywhere.

The two women talked and Mack sat and waited. His brother came in from the other room, walking along through the tiny shards. Mack looked up at him and without saying too many words, they both acknowledged that they knew there was glass everywhere in the house. It was at this point that Mack realized the two ladies had made their way back outside, presumably to get more grocery bags. So, grabbing the closest pair of shoes that he could, Mack sauntered outside, and saw his mom getting back into the car with Dawn in the front seat. No really understanding the decision to head back out, he put a jump in his step and tossed himself in the back seat, and then strapped himself in for the ride. 

"Hello Dawn." he exhausted upon entry.

"Hello yourself" she playfully replied.

Mack smiled to himself and realized that he had missed talking with his friend. They had spoken through the internet ways, but had not made physical contact in a while. It was nice.

This feeling of glee was soon trumped by the next words out of Dawn's mouth:

"Mack and I have been flirting a lot lately and I think we're going to start dating."

This statement had been directed at Mack's mom, but it may as well have been information she had given him. "Flirting??" he thought to himself, "You think us talking on Facebook is flirting??".

The poor guy was obviously taken off guard by this new revelation. Suddenly, he had forgetten everything to do with the glass floors of his house and all his focus landed on this misunderstanding. He had never thought of Dawn in that way before. Of course she was amazingly cute, but they simply were too much alike. He couldn't possibly stand someone who was as much alike as himself for that amount of time, could he??

Unfortunately, there was no time to answer this question, as the car came to a jolting stop. Mack looked in front of him to see why his mother had stopped the car. If there was a time to use the word "chaos", Mack had never seen a better opportunity than right then and there. Outside the car, on the street around him, were cars smashed together, and people running around like the possessed. Mack couldn't help but fathom how long he had been contemplating dating Dawn, because he hadn't noticed that they had retreated from their small and quiet little suburb to this town of utter catastrophe. It wasn't a foreign town to Mack though. Oh, no. It was the once quaint little city where his grandparents lived. Only now, it was barely recognizable. 

As he attempted to ground his thoughts, Mack stared into space before coming to and noticing that his fellow passengers had jumped ship and disappeared. His mom and Dawn had left him alone in the car, without a word of where they were headed. Despite such a ferocious gesture, Mack held his composure, shook it off, and didn't give a second thought to being ditched. He decided that since he was now here, he would see what his grandparents were doing, or rather, whether they were still alive through all this manic frenzy. 

It didn't take long for Mack to reach his grandparents house, mainly because they no longer lived in one. They had moved into this storage space-like cantina which acted as a type of apartment complex for the entire neighborhood. Having the garage like door wide open, Mack walked right in, out of the now darkened outside, away from all the scurrying people who continued to act like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. Once he stepped into the hollowed room, Mack felt the silence surround him and the outside worries drifted away from his aching head.

His grandmother was standing at the makeshift sink, holding his youngest cousin up to play in the water.

"How come you guys have Brendan??" Mack inquired.

"Oh, the two of them have just gone out to find some stuff." his grandfather replied from the back of the room, seated at the card table set-up as a dining area.

Mack made his way back there, passing boxes of old junk piled randomly around the room. "Are you guys okay here??" he asked. 

Almost as if insulted by the question, his grandpa spit back "of course we are." 

"Fair enough" thought Mack. He sense the tone and knew to stop sticking his nose in here. He looked over at his grandma playing with his cousin. She seemed to barely take an interest in the presence of their other grandson. Surveying the rest of the room, Mack saw a door, leading to the storage unit right beside this one. He wandered over, and made his way inside the open entrance. 

Inside, he was met by the greetings of his second cousins and for some shocking reason, Violet. She was searching through a box full of old video games and VHS tapes. Immediately, this caught the attention of Mack and he too started searching through the full box. 

"How are you guys??" Mack queried, almost entirely not-listening to himself because of his rummaging. 

"Fine, fine." Diana replied. "We're just laying low here, until hopefully everything blows ov-"

"You guys have 'Thunderbirds'!?" interrupted Mack. Violet had enthusiastically pointed it out to him and he couldn't help but blurt it out. Diana simply laughed at his observation, and as if reading the tone in his voice, answered "You want to watch it??"

Violet and Mack almost simultaneously let out a cheer in approval, and they sat while Tony, who had been silent up until this point, put the tape in the VCR, and pressed play.

For what had to have been a half hour, the group sat and watched the old VHS tape. Mack had completely forgotten about anything that was taking place outside of this vicinity and was entranced by the taking marionettes on the screen. Perhaps they reminded him of a simpler time, because, well, the show had never interested him before this.

Almost immediately as the movie ended, and Mack was satisfied with his rummaging through the box, he felt it was time to depart his dear cousins, and head back home. 

Violet decided to accompany him, and the two walked back over to Mack's grandparents space to say goodbye. It was here that they found the clock stand in which they decided to pawn an old clock they had found at Diana and Tony's for some cash to cab it back home. They brought the clock up to the vendor, who, by the look of it, was a little off her rocker. She was literally playing the role of the cuckoo to her clocks.

The small little stand was an odd looking thing, standing almost directly in front of Mack's grandparents "home". Mack and Violet walked up to the vendor, and handed over the novelty clock they had picked up. The saleswoman, looked at the find and began to shake her head.

"Already have that one. No go. No go." she said, "cuckoo-ing" the last two words. 

Mack and Violet gave a rather challenging look to the woman before deciding it was no big deal and turning away. Before they could leave however, Mack's grandfather had made his way up behind them, with a clock that Mack recognized from his childhood. This clock was one that resembled his grandparents old home, except this particular one, was only half of it. It was quite odd looking to see it in this sort of condition, but alas, there it was. 

Mack's grandfather brought it to the vendor. She looked at it and asked the backstory. The old man explained it was a very rare item, but she could only take half of it, because he was taking the other half. It was an extremely odd exchange between the two, so Mack and Violet decided to slip away, and go back into the storage area to say goodbye to his grandma. Once inside though, they realized she was no where to be found. In fact, once they looked out to the clock stand, his grandfather had disappeared too. Mack, although perplexed by this newly discovered conundrum, decided this would be the perfect opportunity to search the junk boxes for some of his old stuff. 

What a wonder it was to discover old toys belonging to his mom and uncles, as well as a few things he had had as a baby. Violet wandered about, seeking out nothing particular in a lot of the boxes. Again, they had completely forget about what was happening outside, even if it had calmed down a tad since they had arrived in the area. 

Mack pulled out books from a box and began searching through them, only to be met with a bellowing "hey!" from right around the storage entrance. In sync with one another, Violet and Mack turned there heads towards the door. A hush fell over the room, as neither was able to move once they saw the police officer standing at the door. He was big, and fierce with dark sunglasses on, despite being well into the evening. He opened his mouth to speak again:

"What do you think you're doing here??" he diligently demanded.

Words tried to run out of Mack's throat, but they were halted by the officer. 

"I don't even want to hear it" and he grabbed the microphone on his shirt as he began to call it into the station. One instant they were going through Mack's old things, and then the next instant Violet and Mack were wanted by the law.

There was no hesitation from either of them. As soon as the officer let out his final commands into the shoulder device, the two made a break for it. They knew that if they stayed they were going to go down, especially in a newly corrupted city as this one. They made it all the way to the connecting door of Diana and Tony's before the officer could even think about making a move. Still, they knew he would give chase, and that's exactly what happened.

The fugitives tore through Diana and Tony's space without a word edgewise and booked it back out into the dimly lit streets. Approximately three paces behind them, the police officer emerged, grabbing the best he could at the thin air in front of him. They dodged flaming garbage cans, and drunken imbeciles who got in their way. Even though they weren't in the best shape in the world, they were still losing this seemingly fit cop, little by little. 

He stayed with them for a good four blocks before their lead became just too much. They flew around an street corner, before hopping a dumpster and coming out along the hollowed alley on the other side. Violet ran towards a hidden groove in the wall, and Mack instantly knew what the plan was. They kid there, silently attempting to catch their breaths, before being certain that the cop had given up the chase. 

They just looked at each other, and shook their heads at the ridiculousness of the situation. What began as a nice time watching "Thunderbirds" had turned into a fugitive marathon run from the law. This wasn't going to be the end of it for these two. 

Things That I Love Today: EverythingIsTerrible.com

Well, thank you Jonny Pizza, for both introducing me to this site and ruining my chances of ever studying for a test again because I won't be able to stop watching the glory that is some of these videos. A few of my faves so far:

DOMINATRIX WORKOUT! from Everything Is Terrible on Vimeo.

They're gonna put me in the movies! from Everything Is Terrible on Vimeo.

Uncle Fred is a bipolar pervert, racist, and animalfucker! from Everything Is Terrible on Vimeo.

HERE'S HOW! from Everything Is Terrible on Vimeo.

And the one that remains my favourite...

Become Confused with Omar Sharif - watch more funny videos

Things That I Love Today: Funny Women

UPDATE: I added a Tina Fey video as well...

"FunnyGirl" by Me.

This is the graphic that I did for my article this week in support of "funny women". It should be in the school newspaper later today, so, if you can, check it out. I figured I would take this opportunity to also show off some funny gals that I have found recently. One of them I already posted on facebook, but I still laugh every time I watch it, so I'm posting it here too. Enjoy.

Nellie McKay

Kristen Schaal...She's a horse. 

Tina Fey

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell."

So, let me set up a scene for you here:

It's approximately 12:45 on a gloriously sunny, fall day. The weather is crisp, but the sun balances the cool with a kiss of warmth. I have my headphones in and I am walking, at about my regular, faster-than-most, pace. I'm on my way to school to take a two midterms back-to-back, and I am a little bit saddened that I will be cooped up in class for 8 hours straight instead of being able to live through this wonderfully beautiful day here on campus. 

Alas, I have to take the tests. So, I am walking along, weaving my way past all the slow-pokes and people who don't realize that other people may actually have places to go or, in my case, have class at 1 o'clock. I am walking to the beat of the song ringing in my head, when I reach the standard stop light at the main intersection in front of the university. I stand. I wait. I watch to see how many cars are lining up to hit the inevitable "advanced green" and when I can beat the rest of the chumps standing and waiting, because they never pay attention to details that would give them a few extra seconds above everyone else.

Anyway, I'm standing. I'm waiting. I watch the cars turn in front of me. And then, as the final car makes the turn, the advanced signal not quite gone yet, I dart out in front of everyone and begin crossing, well ahead of everyone else. And then it hit me. 

A blue Honda. Trying to make the already deflated advanced turn signal.

No, I'm totally joking. Had y'all going though, eh?? Anyway, what REALLY hit me (not literally) and almost through me off my feet was something across the street that I had never seen before. I was absolutely stunned, to the point that I actually muttered something aloud (I can't recall exactly what...something along the lines of "...okay??") despite the fact that I was most certainly alone on this walk. It only lasted a couple of seconds, but you would never believe what was right there, across the street, like some kind of rare and ugly animal only ever witnessed on a satellite feed of some National Geographic special. 

Walking, with a grey bearded and Crocodile-Dundee hatted man, who must have been her husband, was a woman. Yeah, of course it wasn't JUST a woman. No, this woman was dressed like a cowgirl. And hold on, it's not as simple as that. This woman was dressed as a cowGIRL. Not a cowwoman. But a girl, of about 5 or 6, who would then continue to dress herself in the attire of Annie Oakley. This woman, of about 50, was in a black cowboy hat, two sizes too small, messy pigtails, a plain, yet rather puffy, ski-jacket, a skirt with coolots, bare legs (and I'm not talking legs that SHOULD be bare...or legs that should be seen witha  skirt either) and a pair of black and red cowboy boots. 

I had to do a double take. I just couldn't believe what I was seeing here. A woman, clearly no longer in her prime cowgal years, and yet, BAM!! There she is. In all her little kiddie glory. Her appearance was just gross...but the kind of gross that you can't stop watching because it's hypnotic, like someone who can dislocate their shoulders at will and move their arms willy nilly around their head. And here I am just walking across the street, and this couple walks by. It couldn't have been more than a two seconds, but it was a hilarious two seconds nonetheless. 

I have definitely seen weirder things, but it's been awhile for something to make me talk to myself to reiterate how ridiculous it is. 

Funny!!

Oh, and I wrote both the midterms, attended all 8 hours of class again, came home, and was exhausted. But I'm still awake. Rawk on!!

Things That I Love Today: The Expendables Promo Reel

Yeah, I know. It's the second "Things That I Love Today" post today, but really, I could not stop smiling throughout this entire thing?? 

This is what it must have been like to grow up in the 80's!!

"I Dream of Ballerinas"

"Law and Order: SVU" guest starring Scott Foley or getting that poetry analysis done?? How about, watch "Law and Order" whilst I get that poetry analysis done?? Yeah, that sounds good. And a veggie platter to snack on?? Yeah, I think it's going to be a good episode. YUCK...Cherry Tomatoes are gross, by the way. Blech.

So it was interesting on the bus ride to the mall today. I had a tiny, miniscule case of claustrophobia actually. I decided to take the empty seat directly behind the driver where, on this particular bus, was secluded in its own little corner type area. There was a window there, but it was only half a window. It was the closest thing that I've felt to being in a prison in a long time. That's not meant to distill any sort of metaphorical meaning, it's just the best way I can describe it. This bus seat = tiny little prison. It was weird. I felt by myself on this bus. I couldn't see anyone behind me. There was this giant wall in front of me. I just couldn't help but feel that I was taking my own little ride to the mall, without anyone around these barriers. It was, like I said, interesting. Also, this isn't supposed to be deep. It was an observation. Deal with it.

I had another hilarious dream last night which I might get out there in a little while, depending on how much prep I get done for my midterms tomorrow. It involved me being cast in a movie with Shia LaBeouf and Matt Damon. I was pissed when I woke up because I convinced myself in the dream that it was real. Stupid dream me.