"I have often dreamed of a far off place..."

Can't sleep. Again. Tossed and turned all night last night. Have laid in bed for two hours tonight. Nada. I am tired. I just can't sleep.

So I'm on here updating again. Listening to some Disney music, because for whatever reason it's helping me the most.

Had my first test of the week today. Studied basically all morning for it. Because of that, I'm pretty sure I did okay on it. Much better than I would have had I just gone in as is. It was a good decision to wake up early to do that. Still though, I may have taken it too easy after it was over. I was simply too fixed on the notion that I had completed something difficult that I didn't feel like doing other work. That's why I wanted to wake up early tomorrow to get a bunch done. But it's 3AM, and morning is not far off.

I'm also having a bout of the "second guesses" at the moment in regard to some stuff. Just in case somebody reads this who may not like that information, I will be cryptic about it. But I once again am looking for something to lift me back to where I was before. I'm making that sound like I'm depressed or something, when really it's just nerves above all else. It'll all be good. Again, I'm trying to stay above everything this week. So, hopefully I can still take something else that will calm my nervousness.

One day down. Four to go. Been good so far, no time for fuck ups now.

I can go the distance.

"A friend of mine bought himself a shovel..."

It's the last week of school. I have at least an essay due in every class that I have. A few classes I have more. Hell week has officially begun. This year though, it's not going to get me down. No sir. Not again. Not after the crap I put myself through last semester.

Fuck you Hell Week. Come and get me.

"Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth."

Liz Taylor passed away early yesterday. And I'm not

sure how this makes me feel.

I am saddened, of course, but she was never one of those actresses that I longed to see. She didn't have the same on-screen appeal to me that Katherine Hepburn or Shirley MacLaine did. Come to think of it, I don't know if I even recall a single movie outside of The Flintstones that I actually saw her act in.

To me, Elizabeth Taylor was more about image than anything else. And that in itself is something that resonates with me. Her divine beauty and persona as a divatic film star is what made me take interest in her. No, I never really engaged in her life as much as other stars of that era, but she always seemed to fit in right alongside them anyway, despite this. So while it indeed saddening that this happened, it hasn't impacted me as much as it should have. Regardless, I recognize how important she was to the film industry, and how an era of film stars is very much coming to an end. That is more sad than anything else to me...

I think I am going to write a column based around her, and that thought for the next paper. And I also think that I'll try to see Giant or Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? soon too.

Rest in Peace, Ms. Taylor.

"Leave tonight or live and die this way..."

Hello blog.

I figured it was time to visit again. Maybe you could be a pal and inspire me, or if nothing else, make me do something with my wasted time?? Think about it, will you please??

I believe that I've regressed to a melancholic mood for the time being. Can't quite figure why that is, but "girl issues" seems to be appropriate. Then again, when is it not. I have also taken a dive back into that place where I can't seem to remember why I should even care in the least bit about school. It's a terrible place to be, especially around essay season.

What I'm looking for is something good to lift me. Tomorrow preferably, but by weeks end will be sufficient I guess.

It sucks, because as soon as school is done and over with, I have a lot to look forward to. Hosting the VA's, new job, free time, new editorial board. Just... refreshing. But, that's still two weeks away. Two weeks. So something, anything, please, just lift me from this funk cloud.

I'm alright. I'm alright. I just wish, for once, I was better than alright.

"Na, na, na, na, yeah..."

I'm forcing myself to sit and write something because I feel that the lack of writing which has taken place since last year really had a profound effect on my thinking patterns. So, I know I say this every freaking 6 weeks, but seriously, let's try this again.

I believe we'll begin again with the story of my throwing up on the dentist... at the age of 22.

If I'm not mistaken, I mentioned my "hell-tooth" that I had to have a second root canal on in a previous post, so I will assume that everyone is familiar with how effing annoying this has been for me. Anyway, this story begins by me going in to get this tooth fixed, once and for all (knock on wood).

So I go into the dentist's office, and I sit down. Before the procedure is supposed to start, I made sure to get them to sedate me for the procedure. The thing will be more than an hour long, so I don't wanna be awake while they are cutting and filling and removing and whatnot. So I want to be sedated. Great. Not a problem apparently. I go in. The assistant woman gives me this pill which she dissolves in this orange juice and I down it. I go back to the waiting room... and wait. I wait a little. Nothing really. A little longer. Maybe a LITTLE relaxed. A little longer. Okay, eventually the pill makes me feel like I've been up all night. But, being a university student with terrible sleeping patterns, this felt normal to me. So, I'm still fully aware of everything going on. It's just that I'm a little "tuckered out". I tell the woman this as she comes to collect me, and she assures me that if I need more sedation, they will give me more in the chair. Awesome. Great. Just what I want. I'm not out enough yet. I need more drugs.

She takes me into the dental office, and I sit down. The two dental assistants who will be helping with surgery are mulling about. I'm sitting there, kind of antsy that I'm still awake for this, but still assured in the fact that more drugs will be coming. Eventually, the dentist comes in. He leans me back and administers the numbing to my gums. Alright, I think to myself. He'll put me out before he starts the ACTUAL surgery. This is just pre-lim. He needs my full attention to get this stuff out of the way... right??

Apparently not. As soon as I'm numb, down comes the microscope so he can start the surgery. As he does this, I have to pipe up. "Ummm... I'm still fully here. Not sedated at all." He kind of just looks at me. "Oh... Well, okay. You don't feel relaxed at all??" I try not to look at my shaking legs to point out how obviously NOT relaxed I am. "Umm, no. Not so much."

"Well, I can give you the gas. Will that be okay??"

Finally. The gas. Exactly what I was expecting this entire time. Jeez. I'm 6'1, 225 lbs. A single pill isn't gonna take me down. Are you kidding doc??

So anyway, he straps me in with the gas, and tells me to tell him when I start feeling something. He's gonna gradually go up the levels and when it gets where I need it, then let him know. He starts at Level 1, and I feel nothing. My legs are still shaking. I can still see straight. Nothing. Up to Level 2. I'm still totally there. I look at the reflection of my mouth in the dental light to make sure I can still make out what that is. Yep. Still a mouth. Still aware. Level 3. Deep breathes. In and out. Still shaking. And then Level 4. Level 4 finally did it. My legs stop shaking. My focus is blurred. My body collapses into the giant chair. I reply to the doc, "There we go. That's the one." I'm finally out. And the procedure starts.

Now, I've been under the gas a number of times before. The most recent case was my wisdom teeth, and I remember little, to nothing about the actual surgery. Here though, I remember most of it. It was the weirdest feeling I have experienced, because I was definitely under the influence of the gas, yet I was totally aware of my surroundings. I even opened my eyes a couple times to check shit out. I was drugged up, but not totally out. It was beyond strange. Either way though, I was relaxed as shit, so I didn't care about the surgery going on. They could have probably taken out a lung and I would've been okay with it.

About half an hour in though, I started to drift farther away from the surface. I ended up in some weird realm of the gas. It's hard to describe, but what I felt was that reality didn't exist any more. It was a bunch of grey fuzz that just kept playing one after another in a secular order and I was led to believe that that's what had been happening all along. Life, as I knew it, was simply another grey piece of fuzz in between two other grey pieces of fuzz.

You can imagine how odd this would have seemed to a half conscious person in a dentists chair, so naturally, my reaction was to wake myself up. How did I do this?? By trying to sit up of course. As soon as I did this though, I came to, and realized what was happening. The dental assistant coaxed me back down, but by that point I was aware what had happened. So, mid-surgery, I actually asked, to make sure, "...Did I freak out a little bit??" "A little bit" she replied. "Oops. Sorry."

Stupid gas. Make me freak out during the procedure. Oh well though, that was over. Back to relaxing. Back to sinking into the chair and not caring about the procedure.

I lay back down and start trying to relax again, but unfortunately I fall back into the comatose state. I went too far, and now I don't want out. But I'm still fully aware of what I'm thinking. And what I'm thinking is that I'm gonna be sick. I say to myself, Oh crap. You're gonna be sick. You should tell them!!... Nawww, you can fight this. Fuck sickness!! You can beat it right back down!! FIGHT THE SICK!!

Next thing I new, I was sitting up, vomiting. I can't explain what I was feeling at this moment, but I was fully aware of what was happening, I just had no control over it. I won't go into details about the incident, but when I finally gained total control over the gas again a few seconds later, I refused to open my eyes for being terrified and embarrassed as to see what damage had been done. I preferred not knowing that, so I never did find out.

Anyway, I laid back down, he toned back the gas, and he finished the procedure with me in that first state of relaxation and not the deeper stuff that got me in trouble. When I was finally "up", I assessed the damage, and he said not to worry about it. Apparently I may have just had an averse reaction to the gas, and perhaps it was a little too much for my system. Either that, or I was allergic to it, but I'm putting my money on the first thing.

Overall, it was a thoroughly embarrassing experience, but I was only half-conscious, so I can't feel too bad about it. And the tooth seems to be fixed, so that's also a plus. Next time, I think I will be asked to be knocked right the fuck out though. None of this lingering in relaxation bullcrap. Knock. Me. Out!!

"Hello Darkness, my old friend..."

Apparently, the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is when they cut a hole in a box...

"Workin' all day for a mean little man..."

My neighbors across the hall are incapable of exiting their apartment in morning without the wife yelling at the husband. Im. Possible. I don't care if I'm awake at 6:30 AM or not, there is absolutely ZERO reason for them to be yelling, in another language, saying nothing but what sounds like a reminder to be home for dinner, or something. They're not fighting. It's just instructions being yelled. Everyday conversation. In a hallway that carries sound better than inside any of the freakin' apartments!! Yet still, everyday, without fail, between 5:30 and 6:30, "Hey!! Blah, blah blah!!" And then SLAM!! The door is closed just as loudly. Again, not in anger. But in a completely oblivious-to-the-world act of everyday dealings. Yell, SLAM. If I leave my apartment before 8AM, I turn the knob and gracefully cushion the door into place, making almost no sound at all. Nope. Yell and SLAM!! Every. Day. Zero courtesy.

Piss me off.

"I deserve much more."

Hello everyone out there in the blogging world. It has been... well more than a little while since I graced you with my presence and I can honestly say that it was a pretty terrible hiatus that I was on. Over the last semester of school (or since the last time you heard from me) I somehow managed to turn my relatively stable life right around and instead of going up, I slammed it right back into the ground. To put it bluntly, I've not been having a very good time.

--

During the summer, I had to have a root canal. There was an infection in my tooth and unfortunately the only course of action was a root canal. Whatever. It had to be done, and it was. Honestly, it wasn't even that big of a deal. The real pain came before the surgery even took place, when the infection was just lingering around up in my tooth. So, in mid-October, I started to feel something up in my tooth again. The pain had returned. As bad as before. It was so bad that I had to pop a number of T3's that I had been given from the original incident just to be able to sleep. Eventually, I made it back home to get it looked at and sure enough, the root canal had done nothing. Instead of getting rid of the infection, it had just prolonged it for a short time.

I was sent to a specialist, and I found out I needed further work done. This time through the gum, and not the tooth. Fantastic. Oh well though. It had to be done. The problem was, I was getting right into mid-term season, and couldn't really afford to take off school to get the procedure and then recover a couple of days. No worries. I decided to wait. He gave me a new set of T3's and some more anti-biotics. That should tide me over until my mid-terms subside. Key words: "should have".

About, two weeks after this diagnosis, I wasn't feeling any better. The pain was no longer there, but mentally, I just wasn't back. I simply could not manifest the drive to complete anything I had to complete. I would sit at the computer for hours at a time, attempting to finish papers, and nothing came out. I was click away. I would type and delete. I. Could. Not. Write. It just wasn't happening. And I have no idea why.

It might have been due to my living by myself. Some of it might have been some sort of chemical reaction from my whole tooth incident. I don't know. All I am aware of is that I did not feel good for a long time. I've started to recover, but since the middle of October, its been tough. Its the feeling of not caring. The sense that no matter what I do, it won't matter. I actually believe that a conversation I had with one of my professors was the instigator of the worst of it. I walked away from the meeting with no other thought than "I don't want to be like her." And I don't. I don't want to write articles on movies that any schmuck on the street who can afford a movie rental and has a library card can do. And yes, believe me when I tell you, anyone can do what these professors do. Well, what most of these professors can do. All it takes is time, and the ability to form a thought. Not even an original thought. Just, a thought.

So, it was this meeting that kind of pushed me over the edge. I became unapproachable. I didn't feel like talking to people really. I didn't feel like responding to any of my friends who had tried to email me and ask what was new. I didn't care to talk with the people that I work with at the paper even, a task that is kind of hard to avoid considering I need to associate with them on creating my graphics. All in all, I just didn't feel like me.

About three weeks after my initial meeting with the specialist, the infection, although not hurting, started to inflame. An abscess started to grow above my tooth. It was disgusting. I felt disgusting. I was woozy. I was feeling sick. And the worst part of it all, it was during a production night, a night I had to work. Eventually, after running back and forth to and from the bathroom, the giant tumour of infection on my tooth punctured, and I spent half an hour rinsing my mouth, trying not to swallow the run out. Again, that did not feel good. But it was the peak of my not feeling well, and I had pretty much had enough. Both physically and mentally.

Do I still feel that way?? Like I said, not fully. I sort of have moments where I don't want to do something, but I believe I've pulled myself out of that dark place. I can't tell for sure if it was depression or not. Of course I realize that that's how it starts, and I don't really have any control over it, but I don't know if I want to believe I was depressed. The signs seem to point that way, but I don't necessarily want to admit anything. For right now, I just like to say that I wasn't well.

Since this whole ordeal, I've found ways to better myself and attempt to become the same as before. The day that I finished writing my play for this years Fr!nge Festival was a pretty huge boost. I sort of sat down, at 7am, after a totally accidental all-nighter (I had a few of those actually... I was either tired all the time, or not able to sleep at all) and just pumped it out. And it was good. I was happy with it. It felt good. It was the first positive thing I had done in about a month.

Of course, by that time, the semester was pretty much lost. I had fallen behind on one too many things and I am fairly confident my marks are going to reflect those bad weeks. No matter though. My way of thinking now is that this semester has been over for a while. I need to start fresh in the New Year is all. I've also been attempting to surround myself with more positive people. I've got the social influence back again and have started to hang out with people again. Some who I haven't really hung out with all that much before. And I think it has been taking an effect. A positive note amongst a scale of bad ones.

Anyway, that's pretty much my explanation for being M.I.A. (the singer, of course). I've been... well I haven't been me for the last little bit. But I've been getting there. And I'm hoping to be back soon. Love.

"On a warm summer's eve, on a train bound for nowhere..."

Well... I just dunno what to say. Summer is over. School is about to start. And I'm sitting here, semi-satisfied with the past three months and feeling a little bit unfulfilled too. Shall we play the update game?? Oh yes, we shall indeed.

So, where to begin...?? Hmmm... How about where I last left off. I believe my last post was on the day that my summer school ended. So let's take it from there. Summer school ended, and then real summer began. It started off on a rather slow note. Nothing too big to speak of in those two weeks that I actually had off before work started, but then again I think that I really enjoyed doing nothing for that amount of time anyway. Oh, I guess that our little Cord getaway to the always tropical destination of Toronto fell into that two weeks. And that was actually a pretty enjoyable time. I shant lie, I was actually dreading going to it. In my mind, it was going to be dull, and the hostel we would stay in would be gross, and just everything about Toronto made me not want to go. But I did. And I had a good time!! Everyone did end up getting pretty crunkified, but luckily Paula opted to stay sober too, and it ended up being a pretty good time. A pretty great Jays game wasn't too shabby either.

Man, can you tell I haven't written anything in a while?? This almost feels foreign to me. Still, I press on.

At the beginning of July I started work at a Theater Camp. To ensure anonymity, I won't tell you where though (if you read this, you obviously know me, and therefore can ask or already HAVE asked where it was I worked). Save for the getting used to waking up at 7 am every morning, I actually had a really great time working with the kids!! Honestly, when I started out, I wasn't too sure how it would all work out, but, lo and behold, I had a great time working there over the summer. The kids could be a handful at times, but for the most part, there were some really talented kids who showed up every week. Unless things change some time this year, I will probably be heading back there next summer... hopefully.

I've actually got a couple of camp stories saved up too. I'll let them out in separate posts though. I need SOME fodder for the next couple of weeks!!

So what else happened this summer?? Oh, I went camping. Sucked. JKZ!! Although, I probably won't be doing that again any time soon. I did throughly enjoy myself, it's just that it's too much effort for very little pay off. I understand why I enjoyed camping when I was younger... it's because my parents were the ones who had to set everything up. I just stayed to side and played with my Gameboy until something small came up that I could do. This time, when the onus of setting all the equipment up is on you, it just isn't fun. Still, the down time with ma peeps was great. Saw a lake snake. And no, I don't mean someone flashed us their dong in the water. I mean an actual snake swam right up in between my friends (I had just gotten out of the water). That was kinda coolio. First time I'd even seen a snake swimming.

There was also the game of Truth or Dare that resulted in Josh having to eat a ketchup covered Twinkie and Tarah eating a chunk of onion, and Poppy swigging a beverage that Oscar the Grouch would have thrown up. Cherry brandy, humus and warm milk should never be mixed (and of course, all the other stuff in there, but you get the picture from those three ingredients). I was feeling too sick to participate. Watching those guys down that stuff though did not help me in feeling better either, in case you were wondering.

On the movie front, it was an extremely disappointing summer. I saw a total of, wait for it, 7 movies. That's right. SEVEN. Considering over the last couple of summer I normally went about once every two weeks, this year I saw 7. Iron Man 2 (twice), Toy Story 3, Inception (twice), Knight and Day, The Karate Kid, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, Piranha 3D. And in all honesty, they were all good. Toy Story 3 and Inception were fucking phenomenal, but the others were all, in the very least, good flicks. Still though, isn't that saying something about this summer at the movies?? I saw only 7, and those were the ones that were good?? Oh well, this fall season is looking quite promising, so maybe, just MAYBE, I'll be able to forgive Hollywood for the shitty summer.

I'm getting tried of writing now. I'll pick this up again in my next post. Au revoir!!

"Free and easy down the road I go."

September 1 = Summer is over. Therefore expect an update (a few actually) in the next day or so. For the time being, enjoy a free preview of a piece I did for the paper this week: